


Let Go Of The Memories

by fangirl6202



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Flashbacks, M/M, Pansexual Simon Lewis, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 03:03:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15209444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirl6202/pseuds/fangirl6202
Summary: Raphael Santiago wanted nothing more than to forget Ragnor Fell. His feelings for the warlock were complex, but he didnt want to idle on the past.When Magnus Bane drops by the Hotel DuMort, bearing news about Ragnor, he cant but help but be sucked into his memories.





	Let Go Of The Memories

Raphael Santiago knew better.

He was raised as a good, albeit poor, Catholic boy in Zacatecas before his family moved across the border. He was raised to fulfill God's wishes, nothing more nothing less.

He _knew_ that those thoughts were the work of the devil.

But he couldn't help it. Ragnor was ... different. He didn't pity Raphael's condition, and Raphael couldn't have been more grateful.

Raphael still remembered when he first met the pessimistic warlock, when he had walked out into the living room of Magnus' loft in nothing but a towel around his waist. He had noticed that Ragnor's eyes had widened a bit, but he didn't acknowledge it.

The two immediately hit it off, poking fun at their mutual friend Magnus, and soon they were best friends, travelling the world. It was something Raphael had always wanted to do, but never could due to his status of poverty. Ragnor always found a shadowhunter willing to help make a portal to a different country. It was sad, knowing he could only go out at night, but Ragnor always made the best of the trips.

Before he knew it, Ragnor and Raphael were in Paris together, at the very top of the Eifel Tower at midnight. Raphael had been talking about how he had always wanted to see the city at night. Suddenly, he turned to face Ragnor, and Ragnor had leaned down until their lips had met.

Raphael froze on the spot, not moving an inch. Every instinct in his being told him to break away, to stop this insanity. But he didn't. The only thing that went through his mind was,  _If this is a sin, why does it feel so right?_

Before he could kiss him back, Ragnor broke off and stared into Raphael's eyes.

"Oh, G-God." Ragnor had stuttered. "I shouldn't have done that. I know how much your religion means to you. I--"

It was in that moment that Raphael Santiago stopped caring.

"Dios, just shut up and kiss me. " Raphael said and wrapped his arms around the warlock's neck and dragged him down until they're lips crashed together.

For a minute, no one else mattered. They broke off panting heavily, staring into each other's eyes, Raphael gasping for breath he didn't need.

A lot happened that night. It was the first time someone told Raphael they loved him. It was also the first time he had ever made love, though he told Ragnor later that while it was a pleasurable experience, he just didnt... _feel_ like sex was something he particularly enjoyed. 

 

That was over 30 years ago

 

When the 90s rolled around, Ragnor was called to teach at the Shadowhunters Academy. He was forced to tell Raphael that he had taken the job willingly.

Bullshit.

The Clave forced him into it, and Raphael knew it.

Of course, he and Ragnor firemessaged often, but they soon... drifted. Drifted apart until they're nights of shared nights and stargazing, passion and romance, wine and stolen kisses became distant memories.

 

Because that's what being immortal means. Falling in love, and losing it just as quickly.

 

Now, Raphael had better things to do. Like running the largest clan in New York and dating a certain annoying new vampire named Simon he had taken a liking to. Raphael couldn't explain how that relationship started either. But the night that Simon was turned, the raw pain and hunger in his voice, it reminded Raphael of himself. Himself as a freshly made vampire, draining the blood from his sire and then his friends.

No one deserved to go through that. Not alone. Raphael had forced himself to protect the young vampire. Well, one thing led to another, and soon he and Simon were an item. 

It was just an regular night at the Hotel Demurt when Raphael found out.

"Sir?" One of the vampires said, knocking on the doorframe of Raphael's opened office door, interrupting him and Simon.

"What is it?!" Raphael barked, glaring daggers.

"Somewhere is here for you, sir." He said, unfazed by Raphael's ruthlessness. All of them, at some point, had gotten used to his mood swings.

Before Raphael could chew the newly-made vampire out, a certain person walked into the room wearing something that looked like it belonged on the cover of Vogue.

"Bane." Raphael said, draping one arm around around Simon's shoulder, and swinging one leg over the other. He grinned, baring his fangs."It's been a while. I heard about how you crashed the Lightwood wedding and stole the groom." Raphael chuckled lightly. "Glad to see you're finally over Camille."

"Raph," Magnus said, voice surprisingly tired. "As much as I would love to discuss gossip, I came here to deliver news. Actual news." His cat eyes flickered to Simon. "I think you won't want Samuel here when you hear it."

Raphael narrowed his eyes curiously. "No. Whatever news you bring, you can say it in front of caramelo."

Magnus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. " _Pinche idiota _, you call him 'Caramelo'?"__

Raphael shrugged carelessly. "We all have our kinks. Caramels just happen to be my favorite treats."

Magnus waved a hand dismissively as Simon tried to speak up. "The news. It's about Ragnor."

Raphael's grin dropped. He removed his arm from Simon's shoulder and sat forward. "What is it?" Is he alright?"

No matter how he tried to deny it, Raphael always had that small part of his cold, lifeless soul that would always love Ragnor.

No matter how stupid he was.

Magnus sighed. "The day of Alec-- Alexander's wedding, me and the Morgenstern siblings went to his house outside of London. We had to make it past a firewall, but when we did... there was a shax demon. Raph... he's gone."

The world started spinning.

"Yesterday, I went back to his house and found this." Magnus reached into his jacket and pulled out a folded paper. "It has your name on it. Apparently, he wrote barely last week, but...never got a chance to send it." Magnus held the letter out.

With a shaky hand, Raphael took the letter, and unfolded it. It nearly broke him to see Ragnor's looping cursive handwriting.

_Dear Raph,_

_...Im not sure where to start. There's so much I want to say to you and I'm scared one small letter won't be enough to express everything I want to say, but I'll try._

_Do you remember that night in Paris? The night where we expressed everything we felt with one other? That night I remember falling asleep with you in my arms, you were so exhausted you actually slept through the night, and the moonlight streamed through the window and hit your face, making you look like your namesake. That night I realized why your mother named you after the angel Raphael. You are as beautiful, mysterious, kind, and ruthless as any of God's avenging angels._

_Magnus once told me years ago that love was precious, and especially risky for us immortals. So I closed off my heart. For centuries, I forced myself not to feel. And then you came along, with your snarky, sarcastic banter and witty comments and something clicked. Despite the fact that I am indeed older than him, I found love for the first time whilst Magnus had been breaking hearts for centuries. (No matter what that glitterful psychopath tells you, he's only 300 years old. He's just a pathological liar, thats all)_

_When I was called to teach at the Academy, I was devastated. I knew that meant I had to leave you behind, that I would have to leave you. I couldn't handle that, so I stopped sending fire-messages, and soon I had stopped receiving fire-messages. It was the worst mistake of my life. I hope you can forgive me, but never forget me._

_Now the sun is setting, and I know that if I write much longer , I will be consumed by the past. But know this; no matter where we end, who we end up with, you will always be the love of my life._

_Love,_   
_Your little cabbage._

 

 

Raphael didn't notice he was crying until a drop of blood landed on the paper.

His shoulders were shaking. He couldn't breathe. He felt as if he needed to breath.

"I'm sorry." Magnus said, and Raphael knew he was crying too. "I really am. I know how much you loved him."

Raphael slump to the floor, discarding the letter on the couch.

"Babe," Simon said, kneeling down, wrapping his arms around him. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

It was in that moment that Raphael Santiago stopped caring.

He broke down, blood rolling down his face, shoulders shaking violently. "Hes not dead. He's not dead. He can't be." He whispered in between sobs.

"He can't be dead..."

**Author's Note:**

> So this is actually a repost of this work. I originally wrote this the week after the episode Malec aired and I don't know why I'm reposting it, but here it is! I hoped you enjoyed it


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